We walk until the bones in our feet feel smashed. Then we walk some more.
The fields are hot, the roads cracked and dusty. I stop at the side of
the road - my hands dig gingerly around a patch of blackberries. The berry
smooth and shiny, the fruit sour and refreshing. This is the first food
and water we have indulged in since the morning, when we gorged on bread
We are walking towards Duncan's wooden boat shop, at last. We near Raphael's
dream. We don't have enough gas in the car to drive, so we bring our water
bottles and keys and follow the folded, crumpled map he had photocopied
from a book in the Duncan library that morning.
"Why don't we hitch a ride, Raphael?" I am exhausted, it has been 2 hours
of straight walking, and I don't know when the end is near.
"Even if we had gas, I wouldn't want you to drive me. It wouldn't be a
pilgrimage if we drove."
I pee behind one of the bigger thorny patches that shelter us from passing
vehicles. I like having my wash closet be the great outdoors. I feel free,
natural. I am frustrated I wasn't born a man - they have it easier. My
bladder is smaller - I need to pee more frequently. I can so easily get
caught with my pants down, a full moon, so to speak, whereas that only
happens once a day, at most, with a man. And with people all around us
- people, people everywhere, and not a penny to my name - I am frustrated
and scared that I will get caught.
A crow flies overhead. Lands on the distant telephone wire.
"I want to start walking again. Quit fooling around over here."
My mistake was to feed Raphael most of the berries I had plucked. My maternal
instincts always betrayed my own survival, although they brought about
a certain peace and contentment.
Raphael walks off, a steady stride, ahead of me. I pull up my pants and
high tail after him.
I was always getting distracted. Not around the people we'd meet - it
was then that I would almost shut off completely, because I could sense
the impending bullshit and the auras that were not whole, but when I was
alone with him. Later I realize this is codependence. But I am happy in
my feeling of one-ness, of symbiosis, with my mate, and I am able to let
my guard down and let a diffuse awareness take over me.
© 1990 - 2003 Katharina Woodworth